Community.

If you had asked me 5 years ago what community meant to me, I wouldn't have an answer. I didn't have any sense of it and I certainly didn't feel like I belonged to one. It was that lack of belonging that contributed to a strange existential crisis undertone that I felt most days underneath the depression and hopelessness that had subtly weaved itself into my being - sometimes it was there, sometimes it wasn't.

I lived in Birmingham, in a flat, for the most part by myself, with no knowledge of who my neighbours were. My family, all busy with their lives, spread out across the city and my friends, also spread out and busy with theirs (as you do in city life that never seems to stop) always felt so difficult to reach. City life can do that. Leave you with little time and energy to reach out to your loved ones no matter how much you long for it. And so, for the most part, aside from work and unless the convenient occasion arose for our paths to cross, I was, alone.

It didn't seem too bad back then, although that doomsday feeling that lingered would say otherwise, but in hind sight, with the sense of community I feel today, I realise just how important it is to one's sense of being. Of purpose and worth.

Moving to Scotland, having a baby and knowing nobody here other than my husband, meant that this time, I really was alone and so I have had to build , and find a community. Going to baby groups, making friends and putting myself out there in ways that were new and different for me, has been a huge part of why I feel the sense of community that I do today.

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Here are some thing I've learned so far.

1) Community starts with you.

If you're unwilling to put yourself out there, you will remain alone. My sense of belonging in community didn't come from somebody inviting me into it, it came from me carving a place for me to exist as I am, and to meet others who share the same values as me. If you don't have a space you can go to, you can create one. And you will reap many benefits from doing so.

2) Silence usually echos your fears.

If you're feeling disconnected from people, maybe you haven't spoken to a friend in a while or had any sort of human contact, your brain will most likely be filling that silence with your fears. "Maybe I've done something to upset them " "They must think I'm a terrible friend because I haven't called" "Nobody loves me, otherwise they would message me" or whatever other horrifying reason your brain can cook up for your social isolation - I'm telling you now. Just call them. Just message them. Just reach out and make that connection. Everyone is busy, because society...well... this will be my next point.

3) Everyone is busy because our society is set up to maximise your time for monetary purposes .

This might be a bit of a heavy read, but we're not as free as we've be made to believe we are. Have you ever noticed how the more convenient things become, the less time we seem to have for each other? Amazon shopping was meant to be quicker but now we spend our time online searching for the best version of the thing we just got shown in an ad... We have a fancy car or a nice house, but at the cost of a 60hr long work week to cover the payments... We have video calls and social media now so we don't even need to see each other in person as often and even when we do...we're on our phones (WHAT!?!). Life is full of convenience that keeps us physically isolated from one another. And it's set up so you can keep this Capitalist machine running. Work. Spend money. Work. Spend money. You can't buy community with money so it might be time to re-evaluate your materialistic and communal values and decide which one should take priority.

4) You have tremendous power for positive impact.

No matter who your community is - whether its your group of friends, your church, your knitting group, your whole street or your partner and kids, how you speak to them, the belief and vision that you weave into your interactions, the conversations you have that you were told to be quiet about and the kindness and humanity you share with them all, will ripple out in ways you cannot possible comprehend. Never underestimate the power of a kind word, a listening ear, a compassionate view or a thoughtful gesture.

5) There is no greater purpose that deciding how you want to serve your community.

At the moment, our society seems to reward hyper-individualism, and collecting as many 'successes' as you can for yourself. Perfect wardrobe, perfect face, beach bod, top of the career ladder, best of your trade, big house, nice car, 6-figure business...all this accumulation for what? For who? I can tell you that I have found no greater sense of purpose or belonging than realising that I can positively contribute to my community in a way that aligns with my own interests and passions. Because previously, my endeavours, always asked me "Why?" "What for?" "What's the point?" (again contributing to that existential crisis doomsday lingering hopelessness feeling...). And now I ask "How can I bring this to life?" "Who do I want to serve?" "What can I contribute?". Community gives me reason, purpose and fulfilment. Material accumulation is a topic for a different post....

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So what are some things you can do to create your sense of community?

I'm no expert, I'm probably missing a few tricks here, but here are some ideas based on things I've done that have worked for me.

1) Get to know your neighbours.

Knock on their door, introduce yourself, see if they need anything, invite them round for tea, take round biscuits you made, share a bit of that big pot of food you made or leave mince pies and a Christmas card on their doorstep..

You know, just small gestures of kindness, the sort of thing that maybe you would hope someone would do for you.

2) Start a group.

Take one of your interests or passions and create a group.

Find a local coffee shop and put up a flyer.

"Fellow tea enthusiasts, come to my weekly group where we try new tea and learn about its origins..."

"Body double group - everyone brings a project they are working on and we just sit and work on our individual projects together..."

It doesn't have to cost anything. Post the ad on facebook groups. And see who turns up.

You never know, a friend for life might walk through that door.

And alas, people will show up that have at least one thing in common with you.

And therein lies the seed of a community.

3) Decide that you will be the one to reach out.

We can get caught up in the tit for tat of who contacted who and how many times, but all of that only creates distance.

Stop being the one that is happy to sit back and take on the role of 'the forgotten one', fit for a one person pity party.

Be bold.

Take action.

Reach out without the need for reciprocation.

Reach out because you want to connect and let someone know they have been thought about and considered.

Reach out because you care more about showing someone you love them, than your egos need to be top of the list in someone else's busy life.

You are not guaranteed a response but it certainly improves your chances. And either way, what bad can come from just letting someone know you care!?!

4) Go to local events / groups.

If you don't want to start the group, find one to go to. See what's going on in your local area. Go to physical spaces. Meet people in real life.

The internet can be great for connecting. It makes community accessible for everyone who has a device and who otherwise, for whatever reasons, may not be able to make it to a physical space.

However, the downside of the internet is that eventually, you get thrown into an algorithm of a very narrow selection of people, usually with very extreme views on whatever the topic of that algorithm is.

Videos of people who believe in extreme far right or far left political views, people who have taken on a 'pink aesthetic' and absolutely everything in their house is some shade of pink. People who are striving for physical perfection, or filming extreme eating stunts for likes... You see so much of it that it becomes normalised and it leaves you tunnel visioned and detached from the 'real world'.

Re-enter a physical space.

Speak to people from different walks of life.

Open yourself up to different opinions and views, people with different life experiences and expertise. Embrace the variety and wealth of difference in the humans you engage with. You never know what you will learn or discover.

5) Be kind to yourself and others.

I have found that most of my anti-social, isolated moments have come from a fear of being judged. Of assuming or anticipating that I will be misunderstood, perceived negatively or judged as a nuisance or annoying.

"Who does she think she is to talk about that topic or have that question or make that suggestion?..." "She's so bad at singing and dancing!" " Look at how fat she's become since having children..."

Seriously.

The only thing I'm doing in these moments is being very unkind to myself, and honestly to others too. To assume that someone would be so horrible to think or say those things about me is frankly an insult to that person.

By not putting myself out there, I deprive myself of the opportunity to experience joy and to also learn that most people are actually lovely. Overriding that voice, feeling the fear and doing it anyway, has only ever expanded my life, deepened my sense of self-worth and strengthened my connection to the people around me.

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Finally...

Real connection and community will require you to make some effort. To trust in people that you don't know yet. To step into the unknown, bravely and curiously. And the wealth that you reap from those actions. The lessons you learn, the support feel, the connection to life that you experience. That, is immeasurable.

With Love,

Emily